Compare to Sister’s Blog: Month 5: We Have Mobility
7/11 Day 139 W: Forgive my coarse language but today was a big, steaming shitpile. I got home from work around 10pm last night which is quite normal, cleaned up the chaos which always seems to manifest in my absence, and went to bed with Mini Moose and then Itty Bitty came up later. I had to really shorten our nursing time to 5 minutes because I was really out of it. Mini Moose nursed all night long. He peed a bunch too, but that’ happens when he wakes up to nurse so I am not getting up double time. He’s a multi-tasker. I just couldn’t get enough sleep though and damn if those construction guys weren’t out there at 7:30 with the tar packing machine.
Itty Bitty wakes up and starts in on me, then Mini Moose, and I’ve got to pee and I just have to get up even though I just want to stay in bed. Both of my spawn were up my ass and I am so annoyed with doing these same tasks every single day. How many times do I need to clean up things I cleaned up the night before!? I was so drained. Then I missed two poops. One I was prepared for, and one that was totally out of the blue and an annoying mess. Pee catches were also way way off, I even missed obvious ones. The few catches were better than changing a diaper anyway. And then Itty Bitty kept whining to nurse, yanking on my leg, and waking the baby just as he was falling asleep which mean I couldn’t nurse her and it just turned into a tantrum.
I lost my shit.
Yes, indeed, I had me a good old fashioned screaming tantrum. (Nothing violent, just my own noisy voice).
I was screaming on the verge of tears, Itty Bitty was hysterical because she didn’t get what she wanted (nursing), and Mini Moose was wailing because I put him down. I wanted five minutes of peace just to find my center and it just spiraled out of control. I was being stubborn. Her tantrum would subside and I just kept looking for that five minutes and she is two…she couldn’t give it in her state. I was just so angry and wanted to process. If I closed my eyes to remove sensory input she’d screetch for me to wake up, if I hung my head trying to “meditate” she’d try to lift it. I felt quite trapped! Touched out is a good turn of phrase to describe it.
All the signs of avoiding this were there. I should have taken her outside even just for a quick run in the backyard, I could have colored with her, I could have just nursed her after he first calm down cool off, I could have just given her a bunch of hugs and kisses. Because I know that all she really wanted was my attention. Moose was distressed because we were distressed and he wanted to find comfort in the orbs of delight.
We all had our cry…well, I got glassy eyed and they cried. They both passed out sweating and red on me just before Daddy Man came home. I had him get take out for dinner. And even let him live after he said, “Why didn’t you take a nap with them when they fell asleep.” Well, dear, its this little thing called adrenaline and uncomfortable arm positions. I watched the movie “Immortals” on Netflix which was a disappointment, but I didn’t need to do any thinking so it helped.
I felt horrible of course for being a nincompoop. Itty Bitty said, “I apologize momma. Don’t be sad or angry.” Nothing makes you feel more like a heel than a little voice saying you were being a Negative Nancy. I apologized too. We kissed and made up. I then realized what Mini Moose’s problem was. I barely held him today, opting to nurse and put him down instead of holding or wearing him. It’s not a problem to hold or wear him…I can still get things done…I just got out of the habit over vacation of having a bazillion hands wanting to hold him. Itty Bitty is also adjusting to not being in hyperdrive activity. And thus, the perfect storm for a crap day.
Thank goodness the day is over.
I debated posting this debacle, but ultimately thought it was best to show that things ain’t always smooth sailing. Isolation takes it’s toll on all of us.
Next time when I start missing the easy pees I’ll take it as my first warning that something isn’t right and I’ll take steps to get us back in harmony before it falls into the pit of crank.